The alarm goes off, but I'm already awake. Gasping for air.
The alarm goes off, but I'm already awake. Heavy breathing. Constriction in my heart. Gasping for breath, wondering when it will end. Will this be the last one? The walls close in. Crushing pain & anguish. This feeling of heaviness, despair. This life isn't worth living if this is what living is.
As the panic subsides, my body still reveling from adrenaline, I peel myself out of bed. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Empty. My fiance looking at me as though he is going through it himself. I can see the helplessness in his eyes - it's mirrored in my own feeling of helplessness over my own body.
I head to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Puffy eyed, a shadow of my former self. Who is this girl looking back at me?? The once gleaming, blue eyed optimist that believed anything was possible was looking more like a ghost. Doing anything and everything to get through the day. And a part of her not even caring if she did anymore.
I open the medicine cabinet and reach for the bottle. Anger swells inside of me that this is what my life has become. I pop the pill into my mouth, knowing the side effects are only a matter of minutes away. Slurred speech, memory loss, numbness in my limbs. The new normal.
The New Normal
There is an incredible strength that resides within people who suffer from chronic anxiety, but we are often too fearful to truly see it until it's in hindsight. Our bodies and brains work overtime just to make it through the day. Sifting through real and perceived fears. Trying to keep pace with our own obsessive thinking. Attempting at every corner not to slip down the rabbit hole of worst case scenarios.
I know this life all too well, because it consumed me for years. Despite my own training as a social worker, yogi and reiki practitioner - I felt helpless. I decided it was time for me to turn the reigns over and surrender my healing to these practices and mentors. Healing from anxiety is a team effort. So if you are looking for a teammate on this journey to heal - I am here for you.
If you are ready to dive into your emotional well being and clear out the gunk that's weighing your down, let's talk. You don't have to muscle through alone. True strength lies in accepting help from others. Let's partner together for your healing.